Everyone Gets An F!
Enough with the high-fives! Enough with the butting of heads! Every single pick is not going to be a slam dunk. On the other end of the spectrum, even the slam dunks aren’t slam dunks. In fact, sometimes a slam dunk is a layup. Other times the layup is a 3 point shot, or a half court prayer with 1 second left was traveling. At some point in that metaphor it got out of control, but you get the point.
This was a really strange year though, in that every pick was terrible. Look away if you’re hoping for unicorns and lollipops in regards to how your team did in the 1st round. You all suck. Everyone fails. Here’s exactly why every pick so far in the NFL Draft will 100% without a doubt be a giant JaMarcus Russell belly-flop.
1. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: QB Andrew Luck, Stanford. Are you kidding me? This guy is way too perfect. Prototype size and Peyton Manning intangibles? Can you say: neck injury waiting to happen? And when was the last time the best player in the NFL was also the nerdiest one? Did you see the amount of teeth that he showed while smiling? This guy has no chance in the NFL. GRADE: F
2. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: QB Robert Griffin III, Baylor. If Andrew Luck is Peyton Manning (which he obviously isn’t, because I gave that pick an F) then that makes Robert Griffin III = Ryan Leaf. How could the Redskins have not seen this? First of all, how is Mike Shanahan even going to have ample time to coach him? Just saying his name takes about 30 minutes: “Robert Griffin the Third.” Not exactly great use of practice time, right? And think about his receivers – what if they’re open in the end zone, how will they let him know? Saying his name takes so long, by the time they finish with the “Robert” the play is over. I just don’t know what the Redskins were thinking trading three 1st round picks for this guy. GRADE: F
3. CLEVELAND BROWNS: RB Trent Richardson, Alabama. Cleveland has a terrible history with running backs going all the way back to Jim Brown (whom the team was named after). As we saw with picks 1 and 2 being Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf, this entire draft is déjà-vu (or a glitch in a matrix?). And if the terrible Jim Brown says that Trent Richardson is just ordinary, I believe him because he’s from the past and has seen the future. GRADE: F
4. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: OT Matt Kalil, USC. There were several people citing how the Vikings needed to draft an offensive tackle in order to protect their fragile QB Christian Ponder. But if he’s fragile, what’s the point in even protecting him? To me, that just seems like putting a bandaid on someone with Type I osteogenesis imperfecta. What is this organization run by REAL Vikings or something? Nyuck nyuck nyuck. GRADE: F
5. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: WR Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State. Even the excellent mustache of Shahid Khan can’t rationalize this pick. What were they thinking? His name is Blackmon and the quarterback is white! Are they trying to start a racial war? The first time in practice Blaine Gabbert throws a zig when Justin runs a zag, he’ll be like “hey Black-mon (in a Jamaican accent, silly Blaine!), you ran the wrong route” and the racial tension will be there forever. This can’t possibly work out. GRADE: F
6. DALLAS COWBOYS: CB Morris Claiborne, LSU. The selection wouldn’t be all that terrible if the Cowboys hadn’t given up 2 players in order to get him. What’s the point in drafting 1 cornerback when you can draft 2 cornerbacks in the 1st and 2nd round and double coverage everyone that Morris Claiborne was going to single cover? Claiborne may be good but he’s just one man. Why short-change yourself? GRADE: F
7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: S Mark Barron, Alabama. The Tampa Bay Bucs are notorious for missing tackles. That’s what they do. What are the Buccaneers going to do when on the first practice Mark Barron is actually wrapping up ball carriers and preventing them from gaining extra yards? “Are you trying to show me up?” says Aqib Talib. Instant locker-room tension. Unbelievable. GRADE: F
8. MIAMI DOLPHINS: QB Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M. I was ready to be like “finally, a good draft pick” when the Dolphins selected Ryan Tannehill. And then I saw his girlfriend. She is attractive, how is Ryan Tannehill going to stay focused on football? Just look at Tom Brady and supermodel wife Gisele. He married her in 2009 and hasn’t won a SINGLE Super Bowl since then. I rest my case. GRADE: F
9. CAROLINA PANTHERS: LB Luke Kuechly, Boston College. While Luke Kuechly is a good player, it just doesn’t make sense for him in Carolina. The team already has Jon Beason, Thomas Davis, and James Anderson. Kuechly likes to get tackles (532 in his 3 years at Boston College) but what is he going to do when a player is already tackled? He’s not used to that happening. As a result, it will become a competitive “who can get the tackle first?” contest and that just isn’t going to end well. GRADE: F
10. BUFFALO BILLS: CB Stephon Gilmore, South Carolina. There will be no stopping the New England Patriots offense in the regular season. So why even try? This draft pick should have been a running back with no arms and no legs to whom they can hand the ball off and (due to the confusion as to whether he’s down or not) the Bills can milk the clock on one play until the game is over. Why has nobody thought of that idea yet? GRADE: F
11. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: DT Dontari Poe, Memphis. This was actually the longest that I had liked a pick. Everything was looking great until he got up on the stage and touched faces with Roger Goodell. What is he gonna do when he gets to the AFC West, try and touch faces with Philip Rivers, Peyton Manning, and Carson Palmer? Actually, if they are homophobic that may work. For now I’ll give this one an F, but unlike these other draft choices that grade can change. GRADE: F (for now)
12. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: DT Fletcher Cox, Mississippi State. His last name is Cox. I don’t know if I have to say more, but I will. What are Eagles fans going to do when he does something good? With Reggie White they could chant “Reg-gie, Reg-gie, Reg-gie!” Chanting “COX COX COX COX!” is impossible (not to mention unsafe) and as a result, Fletcher will think that Philadelphia doesn’t like him and he will get unmotivated and depressed. GRADE: F
13. ARIZONA CARDINALS: WR Michael Floyd, Notre Dame. Here’s a history lesson for you. The Cardinals have been in Arizona since 1988. Since then, they have had over 100 different wide receivers on their roster. Right now, they have only like 5 or 6. Maybe more. Point is, they all have died of dehydration. They’re playing in the desert! In fact, now that I think about it, it’s pretty irresponsible for the NFL to let them keep playing there with the receivers dropping like flies. Unless Michael Floyd is a camel, he has no chance. And Larry Fitzgerald wants to take him down with him. What a horrible human being! Call the cops! GRADE: F
14. ST. LOUIS RAMS: DT Michael Brockers, LSU. Have you seen how disproportionate Michael Brockers’s head is to the size of his body? A) How will they ever find a proper helmet size? and B) How do you know he doesn’t have a witch doctor head-shrinking spell cast on him? That’s an awfully huge risk to take. GRADE: F
15. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: DE Bruce Irvin, West Virginia. The Seahawks must have been viewing the game tape with sound turned off. If they had sound, they would have noticed that every time Bruce Irvin does something good, the crowd goes “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Those people in West Virginia are mean. When he was drafted by Seattle, I saw their fans doing the same thing. There is only so much rejection a man can take. It’s no wonder he got arrested before the draft, he was crying out for help! You people make me sick. GRADE: F
16. NEW YORK JETS: DE Quinton Coples, UNC. Coples was getting paid at UNC and still couldn’t get motivated, what makes the Jets think that paying him less will result in his being motivated? Also, even if Coples does do well and decides to tear quarterbacks heads off – the plan backfires at practice. Actually, wait, the Jets quarterback is Mark Sanchez. Hmm, I’ll give them a generous F. GRADE: F
17. CINCINNATI BENGALS: CB Dre Kirkpatrick, Alabama. It’s just unsafe how long his hair is. Not only can a hat not fit on it (which is already starting off your NFL career on the wrong foot) but no good player in the NFL has ever had that exact length of hair with his height, 40 time, and birthplace. What are the Bengals trying to do with this draft pick, reinvent the wheel? GRADE: F
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: LB Melvin Ingram, South Carolina. How can Melvin Ingram (pictured to the right) succeed with 31 and a half inch arm length? It’s not just that offensive linemen with longer wingspans will place one hand on the helmet of Melvin Ingram while he flails his arms around without touching them – just think of the strain it puts on his family. The man can’t reach his own chinstrap or tie his own shoes. They can’t baby him forever! Plus, not only can a player effectively shut him down by un-tieing his shoelaces but how is the man going to eat? He can’t reach his mouth with the spoon. After his family stops feeding him, Melvin Ingram may starve to death. Bad scouting on the part of the San Diego Chargers. GRADE: F
19. CHICAGO BEARS: DE Shea McClellin, Boise State. Uhhh, the team is the Bears. Placing a human on the same team as Bears just seems dangerous. Sure, he can teach them sign language to communicate but how is the current defensive end Bear going to take to losing his spot on the depth chart? Now you have yourself an angry Bear. An angry Bear who knows sign language. Fan-freaking tastic. GRADE: F
20. TENNESSEE TITANS: WR Kendall Wright, Baylor. If the Titans did their homework, they would have found that Wright not only has 50% body fat, but his hands are about 8 and a half inches long. On my big screen TV, the football can sometimes be at least 9 inches big and using math that means it’s virtually impossible for him to ever catch the ball. It actually confusing how Wright was able to get his hands completely around cheeseburgers in order to get that obese. He must have had help from Robert Griffin the 1st or 2nd. GRADE: F
21. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: DE Chandler Jones, Syracuse. This one seriously spells trouble. As everyone knows by now, Chandler Jones is the brother of UFC champion Jon “Bones” Jones. Well, it’s clear that Bill Belichick is a Rashad Evans fan. In order to get back at Jones for his brother defeating Evans last week, Belichick is likely drafting his brother Chandler in order to train him into a highly tuned athletic machine. Sounds crazy, you say? Good pick, right? Well, soon-after Jon and Chandler are at home, Jon is hogging the Gameboy for too long, and they get into a fight which goes too far. Jon falls down the stairs breaking his neck on impact. Chandler is charged with murder and the Patriots are short a 1st round draft pick. This is the type of scheme that only the evil genius Bill Belichick can think of. GRADE: F
22. CLEVELAND BROWNS: QB Brandon Weeden, Oklahoma State. Aside from Andy Dalton last year, Boomer Esiason, and any other ginger, have you ever seen a ginger turn into a productive NFL quarterback? I rest my case. Also, he’s too old and not only will blending all of his food so it doesn’t hurt his teeth be a pain, but he’ll have to use the “Men’s room” every 5 minutes – finishing out a game will be nearly impossible so is it worth a 1st round pick for one drive per game? GRADE: F
23. DETROIT LIONS: OT Riley Reiff, Iowa. When did Matt Millen get re-hired? The Lions struck gold with Calvin Johnson so why not just get another Calvin Johnson? The only thing that is better than Megatron is two Megatrons the Lions seriously dropped the ball on this one. Also, Riley Reiff (pictured) has short arms I don’t think he can even get in a 3-point stance. GRADE: F
24. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: OG David DeCastro, Stanford. One of the best guard prospects in a while falling to the 24th pick, how can that get an F? Easy. Mike Tomlin soon will say something along the lines of “I love DeCastro, I respect DeCastro.” As a result, all the Cuban fans in Pittsburgh will cause a ruckus over his claiming that he, too, loves Fidel Castro. After James Harrison concussing the entire Cleveland Browns and Rashard Mendenhall admitting that he made up 9/11, the NFL will need to act – and fire Mike Tomlin. It’s a sad story, really. GRADE: F
25. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: LB Dont’a Hightower, Alabama. While I could take the same approach as the Carolina Panthers about player to player conflict over who gets the tackles, that’s too easy. The problem with Hightower lies in the fact that the pick makes too much sense. Drafting a linebacker to stick at linebacker? Where is the genius in that? We’re talking Bill Belichick, the guy who drafted two running backs to the best offense in the NFL and two tight ends when people were like “No, don’t do it! Hernandez is too fast, Gronkowski is too good!” With suspicion that Belichick is losing his edge, he gets desperate and moves Dont’a Hightower to kicker. Who drafts a kicker in the 1st round? Idiots. GRADE: F
26. HOUSTON TEXANS: OLB Whitney Mercilus, Illinois. Not sure if you know this, but Mercilus has 9 and a half fingers. His left index finger is missing the tip. Didn’t hurt him at Illinois you say? Well, Illinois sucked. As a result, he never was offered high-fives. In Houston, on Whitney’s first sack, Brian Cushing will go “up high buddy!” offering a high-five and Mercilus will give it to him. But Brian Cushing is too smart. “Dude, what the hell? That was just 4 and a half. What, are you too good to give me a high-five? What, are you some kind of rookie punk who is too good for high-fives?” Ensue the fistfight, which if you’ve ever seen Brian Cushing, doesn’t end well. Have some foresight, Texans you know better than that. GRADE: F
27. CINCINNATI BENGALS: OG Kevin Zeitler, Wisconsin. The Badgers produce offensive lineman like steroids. What’s their secret? Probably steroids. With the NFL’s drug testing, Zeitler will need to stop. Once he drops to 200 pounds and begins to act much nicer, we’ll know. GRADE: F
28. GREEN BAY PACKERS: DE Nick Perry, USC. Yea, this is finally the pass rusher that Green Bay needs opposite of Clay Matthews. Sure, it will help them sack the opposing quarterback. But the Green Bay offense is still pathetic. Aaron Rodgers had a 31.7 incompletion percentage (almost 1/3 of the time!) and a putrid 45 touchdowns last season. This isn’t community college anymore, Aaron. Also, the Packers lost their most recent game – they’re heading into a downward spiral. Should have drafted a new QB. Back to the drawing board, Packers. GRADE: F
29. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: S Harrison Smith, Notre Dame. Wow, is this team being run by REAL Vikings? If you saw the Matt Kalil pick review, you’re like “Why is he using that joke again?” If not, soak it in my friends. This draft pick works even more against Christian Ponder. If he hits him at practice, he gets injured; if he intercepts Ponder in practice, Ponder loses confidence; if Harrison Smith doesn’t do either he gets depressed and ends up in a road-side ditch. Don’t end up in a road-side ditch. GRADE: F
30. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: WR A.J. Jenkins, Illinois. This is a no-win scenario. Before, the 49ers had the “lack of weapons” excuse for the play of Alex Smith. Now what are they trying to do, expose him for what he is? If Alex Smith is smart, he’ll detect this trap and ask for a trade. But the 49ers just signed Alex Smith, so instead they’ll trade away Moss, Crabtree, Manningham, and Jenkins. Now they’re back to square one with no receivers and sucky Alex Smith. This was the exact reason people were surprised when the 49ers took Jenkins. If they all saw it coming how could the 49ers not? GRADE: F
31. TAMPA BAY BUCS: RB Doug Martin, Boise State. Sure, taking “muscle hamster” seems like a great idea at first. Not only is he muscley, but he is a hamster – both adorable and small enough to crawl under defenders. But you don’t know muscle hamsters like I do. At first they seem cute, but the hamsteroids begin to ruin their lives. They forget to run on the exercise wheel, stop calling their hamster friends, and start biting off pieces of your flesh instead of giving you harmless kisses on the cheek. GRADE: F
32. NEW YORK GIANTS: RB David Wilson, Virginia Tech. For starters, what is a team of Giants doing drafting a 5’9 206 pound running back? That’s like a team of football adults selecting an infant. Infants can’t play football stupid! Also, I saw a video of David Wilson getting emotional while giving a locker-room speech to his team-USA teammates. A) It was just against Canada, what are they gonna do use hockey sticks? And B) what are you, some kind of sissy crybaby? You gonna cry Wilson? Huge red flag. GRADE: F
With all of the self-inflicted wounds on day 1, the winners HAVE to be Baltimore, Atlanta, Denver, Oakland, and New Orleans who all made no selections. For some reason though, I have a hunch they’ll find a way to blow it when they start actually drafting.
In all seriousness though, it’s ridiculous that any fan is flipping out (or celebrating) after 1 round of drafting players that haven’t even played an NFL game. Hopefully this can help you convince your drunk uncle how crazy it is to win or lose day 1 of the NFL Draft.